Being that I'm in a big, big running slump and after this weekend's race I can't see any races in the foreseeable future, I decided to do a career recap on my first 14 years of running. This is going to hit the highs and lows, but I remember pretty much everything in between as well and this blog actually goes back to my college days so there's some good stuff in here too. If anyone looks back that far...
August 2004 - as a 14 year old kid I joined the Wilmington Charter XC team because my buddies Jeff Camp and Matt Cerro from summer swim team, both a year older than me, were on it and I wanted to have something to make friends as I was not popular in middle school. I remember those first days of practice vaguely and considered myself a back of the pack guy that was just happy to be there and have friends. At one of those early pre-season practices at Brandywine Creek, I met my future best man Luke Brady when we got paired up for partner stretching before the run.
XC, 2004 season - at my first race at the Lake Forest invitational, I ran 19:30. A month later at the Bellevue Invitational, I ran 18:10 and considered it a breakout race. A month after that, I snuck on to the state meet roster (two guys ahead of me had gotten sick the week of the race) and kicked my way into 3rd on the team and 13th overall running 17:42 on a slow day. This was the race that showed I could compete actively rather than just participate passively. Among non-racing memories I have of this season: running 8 miles with the team as an out and back for my longest run ever and learning how to push myself in races more and more to find the red line.
Indoor, 2004-05 - I ran the 1600 in every meet this season. Back in those days we ran on Tower Hill's 160m flat track, no spikes allowed, every race in-state except for the state meet which was on a 200m flat synthetic track at UD (since covered by a football practice field). My first race was a 5:03, then 5:00 and I can remember the agonizing feel of coming so close two weeks in a row to breaking 5 minutes. The next few races I kept cutting down by 3-4 seconds until I ran 4:50 at the state meet. I clearly remember in one of the indoor races in which I ran just under 5 coming through 1200m in 3:43 and thinking "how did someone run a full mile this fast?"
Outdoor, 2005 - Some of my most important moments as a young runner happened this season. A midseason 3200m saw myself and Jeff running together in a duel meet against William Penn, a terrible distance team, with the goal of just running under 10:50 to qualify for the state meet. I had never run a 3200m before, and as a kid I assumed that a state qualifying mark necessarily must be hard to run. We traded off leads and were on pace with 2 laps to go. I can remember feeling like it was extremely easy, and so I decided to run a little faster to see what happened. I finished in 10:32 and Jeff faded to 10:59. I didn't think much of it, but being able to close the last 2 laps of a distance race hard would become my best asset on the track. A few weeks later, I ran the county meet 1600m and got pulled to 4:37. This would be the fastest freshman time in the state, only 3 seconds off the class record. Luke was right behind me in 4:39 to be the second-fastest. A week later, Coach Schuder put me in the 3200m for the state meet. I was confused, thinking after the fast 1600m that was the clear choice, but Coach was and is much smarter than I am and saw my untapped potential in the 3200m might surprise some people. With a lap to go in a slowly run state meet, I found myself somehow in the lead. I held off the field except one guy, Dom Dellapelle, who would be one of the best ever in Delaware history by the time he graduated two years later. I ran 9:56.18 for a freshman class record, closing the last laps in 67/2:20 and getting second place at the state meet. 4 days later I improved that time, albeit in a tough positive splitting race, to run 9:54.77. These four races showed that not only could I compete in the state, I was one of the best guys entering my sophomore year.
XC, 2005 - It was a long summer of running the backroads of Hockessin and around Delaware with my parents driving me to people's houses. Night runs with Luke, Jeff and David Appleby got me to love running as a social activity, and my parents allowing me the freedom to go off on my own gave me independence and a sense of ownership of the world that I think is hard to get without exploration. Putting in probably 40-50 mpw (I hadn't started a running log yet) to get ready for the season, I was nervous with the pressure of someone who'd never been good at something before. My best time this season was 16:23 at Bellevue, and it wasn't until the state meet that I really came good with a 4th place overall in what I still consider one of the hardest run races of my life. This race was the first time I ever ran seriously scared - for the last half guys were sitting on me and I ran my heart out to drop them. I still remember getting outkicked on the last short hill to the finish. I developed a reputation for consistency this season, having very solid (but not great) races every time out and even time equivalencies across the different courses.
Indoor, 2005-06 - This season was my first real letdown. Up until this, I had basically been on an upward trajectory. I remember the first race, a 3200m at Tower Hill and barely snuck under the state meet qualifying time of 10:40. And it was hard! At the state meet, someone caught the heel of my left shoe and ripped it off. I panicked and dropped out, with Coach yelling at me to put it back on. I was a kid, in a high pressure situation, faced with an on the spot emergency, so I choked. I can still remember getting home and writing a mopey, pissed off, emo AIM away message about it to the gist of "watch out next season, I'll be back with a vengeance".
Outdoor, 2006 - This was again a pretty boring season by my high standards at the time. Freshman year I went from zero to hero, and I was naively expecting to make the same level of gains every year. I did improve from 4:37 to 4:30 at the county meet, but got DQ'd for something I still believe was the wrong call of passing inside another guy (Pierce Conlon, specifically) and running inside the rail. I had a forgetful state meet and improved my 9:54 PR from last year to 9:51 or something. I tried to forget this season as it was overall a disappointment and hit to my 15-16 year old ego.
XC, 2006 - Back with something to prove. Another disappointing year until the big races; I never PR'd from my 16:23 the year before. The Bellevue course was sloppy and muddy, and no other race was as fast, so no PR's but I did manage to get 3rd at the state meet ahead of Dom Dellapelle, the first time I'd ever beaten him.
Indoor, 2006-07 - I honestly don't remember anything of note happening this season. This was probably when I developed my hatred for indoors and overwhelming emphasis on outdoor over indoor.
Outdoor, 2007 - After a couple years of consistent training, I started really reaping the rewards and was able to apply whatever training benefits I had gained to the talent I had. An early season 3200m at Lake Forest had me hit a big PR of 9:42 to barely miss the school record (set during my 9:54 freshman class record race) and win big. At Twilight Relays, which was always right around my birthday, I split 4:25.9 to run an unofficial PR in the 1600m running right behind Pierce Conlon the entire way. The next week I ran probably the best-executed and most surprising race of my high school career, running 4:48/4:36 with a 64/68 last two laps to win the county 3200m (the most competitive 3200m in the state) by almost a straightaway. The two best guys in the state, Dom Dellapelle and Brian Sklodowski, both seniors, were in this race but coming off a great contest in the 1600m. I was able to win the state 3200m the next weekend over Dellapelle, who was probably tripling that day, and run a faster 9:24 behind Brian's 9:16 state record and Pierce's 9:22 at the meet of champs. I can still remember the thrill, the pain and the announcer's call as I came around with 200m to go in that county 3200m, and the incredible feeling of impending death that always comes a second after you cross the line. This time it was coupled with immeasurable satisfaction and gratification - the feeling when you knock a race out of the park, beyond your own expectations and everyone else's. Winning state and improving the time at MOC was just gravy. One of the team parents video'd that county race and watching it still gives me chills.
XC, 2007 - After getting 13th, 4th and 3rd, this was my year to go for the win at states. I started off this year with an overall PR in the heat, on a slower course than Bellevue and a 16:19 at Lake Forest. At Bellevue I ran a high school 5k PR of 15:58 for the win. George Vernon crushed me at the conference and county meet, my only "bad" race of the season, but I came back to run 16:09 to win the state meet and run the fastest time of the day in all divisions. I remember feeling very in control of that race, moving with half a mile to go and winning by 8 seconds or so.
Indoor, 2007-08 - Another pretty laid back indoor season. I ran two races this year, both 3200m in about 9:50 on 200m flat tracks. No more Tower Hill for me! Lost the state meet to George Vernon, but I knew that I was going to be much more capable outdoors when I really cared.
Outdoor, 2008 - Last chance to prove myself as the top dog. To some extent I was; having won the county and state 3200m, I was clearly the best returner from the year before. But now I had a new top rival in George Vernon, with a younger Greg Morrin just behind. My rivalry with George was hot all through XC and he won our only meeting indoors, so outdoors was shaping up to be a big shootout. It ended up fizzling out; I focused on the 3200m, as I had done all four years, and he never ran a good one and focused more on the mile and getting points for his team. I ended up repeating the same pattern as the year before but this time finally winning the MOC 3200m. I remember very well the feeling of coming down the homestraight of that race, with a huge lead, and telling myself to soak it all in and never forget the feeling. It was more than just the feeling of winning a race; it was winning the last race of my high school career, with enough margin to relax a bit and soak it in, and the culmination of four years of mostly improvement from nothing to the best in my little pond.Ccollege and beyond became more and more competitive and unless I made some huge gains there was never going to be the feeling of supremacy within my own sphere. I knew that it would likely never be the same again.
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Monday, February 19, 2018
Depressing read ahead - what's wrong with me?
Two years ago, I was at the high water mark of my running career. Now as I sit here, feeling generally crappy, unmotivated, frustrated and in a bit of an existential crisis re: running, I looked back and wonder where and how it went wrong. Something I'll probably never know the answer to, but all the same, it's worth taking a look back to see if the puzzle pieces can be fitted together in a way that makes sense in hindsight.
January 2016: I came off a career year in 2015, PRing in the 5k, 10k, and running my second-best ever 1500 and half marathon. Missing the OTQ on Halloween 2015 pushed me towards greater heights, capped off by running 1:04 in Jacksonville on Jan 3. That truly was the best race of my life both in the quality of the performance and how it felt. To be able to coach myself, working full time, to that level is something special that I'll treasure for the rest of my life.
February 2016: DNF at the OT marathon. Not a big deal - making it here was the surprise. Unprepared both for the conditions and for the distance itself, I bailed when it became obvious a death march was coming up fast. A week after I won MD Club Challenge.
Spring 2016: Ran a few good races here, basically just maintaining fitness from January/February. Cherry Blossom and Broad Street were the big ones, and I PR'd at BSR by six seconds which was nice. Still though, in hindsight I can already see that I'm just hanging on to fitness, even as I kept racing I was unable to achieve the level I was at late 2015-Jax Bank.
Summer-Fall 2016: This is where I really started to pay back the debts I incurred on my body throughout the previous 18 months, starting in September. I was training probably the hardest I've ever training for the marathon throughout the summer, and then was struck down with a series of fevers over a two month span that crippled my training. I still have no scientific explanation of these; my best guess is a kooky holistic one that amounts to "my body had enough and I was overdoing it, so this was its way of forcing me to stop". With no other symptoms of sickness besides a wacky all-over-the-place core temp I do not think it was actual illness from a pathogen or virus. A similar thing happened in fall 2013 when my thyroid freaked out for 6 weeks for seemingly no reason.
Winter 2016: I started building back up and was soon training well. Good volume, decent and consistent workouts and overall good feelings motivated me to sign up for some big spring races. I thought I was back on track and ready to resume high-level racing.
Spring 2017: My three big races did not go as planned. NYC Half, Cherry Blossom and Pittsburgh half all sucked and were well below my expectation. Worse, I was training well leading up and had no real explanation why I wasn't able to race better. Worse still, I was actually getting slower in each race. After Pittsburgh I was bitterly disappointed and unsure how to get back on track. At least at this point, I was still enjoying running and looking forward to a bit of a break before refocusing and getting back into it in the fall.
Fall 2017: After an easy summer, I set a goal to try and run decently well at Philly half in November. That was plenty of time to get back in good shape, and I found myself putting in typical workouts all fall with good volume backing them up. Alas another shitty race and disappointment at Philly, objectively an even worse performance than in the spring.
Winter 2017-18: Back to training well, but early in 2018 I got sick and have been having an awful time running ever since. It's been about 6 weeks now that I have felt bad on basically every run, in a way that I've never had before. If burnout is a real thing, this is it. I feel bad physically, but much worse is that I just want to quit all the time when I'm running. I just don't care about it at all and know it makes no difference, because I'm stuck in such a rut it doesn't matter if I run a little harder or longer. Once this club challenge is done with - if I can even force myself through it - I'll need to do a pattern break. Maybe join a gym for a trial membership and start hitting the weights. Maybe I'll keep up casually running 50 miles a week or something. Regardless, something's got to change because I am so deep in a rut I can't even see out of it right now.
January 2016: I came off a career year in 2015, PRing in the 5k, 10k, and running my second-best ever 1500 and half marathon. Missing the OTQ on Halloween 2015 pushed me towards greater heights, capped off by running 1:04 in Jacksonville on Jan 3. That truly was the best race of my life both in the quality of the performance and how it felt. To be able to coach myself, working full time, to that level is something special that I'll treasure for the rest of my life.
February 2016: DNF at the OT marathon. Not a big deal - making it here was the surprise. Unprepared both for the conditions and for the distance itself, I bailed when it became obvious a death march was coming up fast. A week after I won MD Club Challenge.
Spring 2016: Ran a few good races here, basically just maintaining fitness from January/February. Cherry Blossom and Broad Street were the big ones, and I PR'd at BSR by six seconds which was nice. Still though, in hindsight I can already see that I'm just hanging on to fitness, even as I kept racing I was unable to achieve the level I was at late 2015-Jax Bank.
Summer-Fall 2016: This is where I really started to pay back the debts I incurred on my body throughout the previous 18 months, starting in September. I was training probably the hardest I've ever training for the marathon throughout the summer, and then was struck down with a series of fevers over a two month span that crippled my training. I still have no scientific explanation of these; my best guess is a kooky holistic one that amounts to "my body had enough and I was overdoing it, so this was its way of forcing me to stop". With no other symptoms of sickness besides a wacky all-over-the-place core temp I do not think it was actual illness from a pathogen or virus. A similar thing happened in fall 2013 when my thyroid freaked out for 6 weeks for seemingly no reason.
Winter 2016: I started building back up and was soon training well. Good volume, decent and consistent workouts and overall good feelings motivated me to sign up for some big spring races. I thought I was back on track and ready to resume high-level racing.
Spring 2017: My three big races did not go as planned. NYC Half, Cherry Blossom and Pittsburgh half all sucked and were well below my expectation. Worse, I was training well leading up and had no real explanation why I wasn't able to race better. Worse still, I was actually getting slower in each race. After Pittsburgh I was bitterly disappointed and unsure how to get back on track. At least at this point, I was still enjoying running and looking forward to a bit of a break before refocusing and getting back into it in the fall.
Fall 2017: After an easy summer, I set a goal to try and run decently well at Philly half in November. That was plenty of time to get back in good shape, and I found myself putting in typical workouts all fall with good volume backing them up. Alas another shitty race and disappointment at Philly, objectively an even worse performance than in the spring.
Winter 2017-18: Back to training well, but early in 2018 I got sick and have been having an awful time running ever since. It's been about 6 weeks now that I have felt bad on basically every run, in a way that I've never had before. If burnout is a real thing, this is it. I feel bad physically, but much worse is that I just want to quit all the time when I'm running. I just don't care about it at all and know it makes no difference, because I'm stuck in such a rut it doesn't matter if I run a little harder or longer. Once this club challenge is done with - if I can even force myself through it - I'll need to do a pattern break. Maybe join a gym for a trial membership and start hitting the weights. Maybe I'll keep up casually running 50 miles a week or something. Regardless, something's got to change because I am so deep in a rut I can't even see out of it right now.
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